LIFE

I am a mom. You may not be able to see my baby, but he/she is about 14 weeks, 3 days old and just learned how to grimace, frown, squint, and pee. My baby was never merely a "bunch of cells", or simply a "product of conception". My baby was a miracle.

We had been trying to get pregnant since the day I got off the pill- October 9, 2006. After 4.5 agonizingly nightmarish years and a lifetime of pain and tears, Randy and I learned on December 17, 2010 that we were parents to a baby that most of the world wouldn't consider anything other than the "bunch of cells" or "products of conception" that I mentioned above. It was and is so much more to me- to us. It IS A MIRACLE.

I am not afraid to admit that I find inspiration in the saddest moments of life. The "never give up" attitude was introduced to at me at the tender age of 13 when my dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. However, I think that my "never give up" attitude came through genetics- I have always been as stubborn as my father, and if I set my mind to something and make a goal, I try and try again until that goal is completed or another goal has taken over. God has had to show me MANY times that the goals I have had in mind were not His goals, and it's been a very painful lesson (one that I learned the past 4+ years all over again). But I digress.... I found inspiration in my dad's death when I was two months shy of my 16th birthday- I NEVER wanted his death to be in vain. I decided then that some kind of good and glory to God would come out of it.

Fast forward to 2006- I graduated 2 colleges, married the Christian man of my dreams- and got my first nursing job on an oncology floor. I found/find inspiration in the daily struggles I see at work, and am blessed by all the patients I come into contact with (some more than others- ha!) but I feel like, in a way, my dad's death has been turned into something GOOD and of GOD. Inspiration through sadness, once again.

When I started realizing that I had a fertility problem, all I could think was "God-why this? Why can't I just have this one thing?" At first, I was trusting and believing that God would make this happen for us. I ignored people who meant well but would tell me "just relax" or "stop trying and it'll happen". Then as the pregnancy test would be negative and I would see failure come out of me into a toilet month after month, I began to pull away from God and I just got angry. Disappointed. I stopped trying alright, but it wasn't to have kids. I stopped trying to have a relationship with God.

Many cycles of Clomid, insemination, shots, and ultrasounds later, and we were still unsuccessful. October 13, 2010 found me on a operating room table with a scope and tools inside me, trying to locate the "problem" of my infertility. Eureka! A little endometriosis shaved off, and a nice 2 week long recovery, and my doctor told me she'd like to do one more cycle of Clomid and insemination in a "last ditch effort" before going on to the most extreme fertility treatment- IVF.

It was then when I started really praying again. Opened a line of communication between myself and God. He never left me or stopped trying to get a hold of me, I was just ignoring his calls. I decided to read my Bible again, and after meeting with my spiritual guidance counselor (ha ha - I'm sure my good friend Suzie would love her new title!!), I opened my Bible and out fell a bulletin of a sermon I had taken notes on back in 2001. In my OWN WRITING- at the top- was "God's timing is ALWAYS perfect!!!" and underneath it "Romans 12:12". I looked up the verse through tears- and excitement because WOW! God used ME to talk to MYSELF after 9 years!!! Romans 12:12 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". Ok, God had my attention. Which gets Satan's attention too.

The very next time I drove to work that same week, I was listening to some crap hip-hop music and I felt God say to me "Change the station". I did, to Christian music. Right away I felt attacked- like all these thoughts were going through my head about how I'm not good enough to be a mom, and it'd be better for my inlaws if I weren't alive because at least Randy could give them grandkids with someone else" etc... Horrible things. I loudly rebuked Satan in my car and the thoughts and feelings of desparation left- and I went on driving to work listening to my Christian music, as I have every day since then. It has truly made a difference in my mood going into working the difficult job I do- and I am full of God's peace at the start of my shift!

One more attempt at fertility treatments before moving on to the "Biggie" (a.k.a. In vitro fertilization)- was on Dec 1st and 2nd 2010. Prior to and during the insem I was completely relaxed, I had people praying for me, and I really felt like it was in God's hands. He's never left me. I declined a vaccination the week after, telling the employee health nurse to stop- moments before she put the needle in my arm- because I could be pregnant. I was confident in my words. My beloved husband took me out for all you can eat sushi the week of our final insemination- and I thought "This hopefully will be the last time I will eat sushi for 9 months"! It was!

December 17, 2010 I found out we were pregnant on the floor of our bedroom with my beloved by my side. There weren't enough tears of joy as we called everyone we knew to tell them the miraculous news. Hope was/is ALIVE! Our ultrasounds have been great, I graduated from my fertility doctor about 8 weeks along since I was doing so well. My OB doc is awesome and is part of the family of doctors I loved and worked with down at my first job in LA at Cedars Sinai. I haven't had any morning sickness (other than my tummy not feeling so great after eating Lean Cuisines!). No pukage! Everything's great.

I went shopping for maternity clothes 2 weekends ago and spent $207. I am already having to wear the pants and a couple of shirts. :-) My Indiana baby shower planning is already under way, and I did a lot of cleaning of closets these past two days- my first "nesting" experience, perhaps?

I will NEVER forget my experience of infertility. The want- the need- the desire- the feelings of failure- the doubt-the tears- the hope that got destroyed month after month. I do and will find inspiration in the sadness I experienced. Some people have said "Wasn't it all worth it?" Um...no. In my opinion, that's like saying to a widow who's getting remarried "wasn't it worth your first husband dying so that you could meet and marry this new guy?". NO! It doesn't make it worth it, but let me tell ya: it makes you realize just how special life is. I sure do know how to count my blessings and to thank God properly for the LIFE and those in my life He has given me. I don't deserve all the love- who does? But God didn't give up on me, even when I tried to give up on him.

I am now going to go to the bathroom, knowing it will be the first of many trips to that room I will make tonight, lay down in bed next to my beloved, tell my baby how much he/she is loved, turn onto my side, and thank God before I go to sleep for my LIFE.

I am alive

There. That's all you get for the time being.
Life is busy. I got sick of blogging for awhile.

Support the 5 Day Weekend!

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Yes, it may prove to be useless, but MAYBE some day the average American will have to work as few of days as our Congressional counterparts do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOKIE!

I love you Randy! Happy 30th Birthday!

Jacquie and Randy Sr- thanks for giving birth to this wonderful guy. xoxo

Food For Thought

I came across this article on McDonalds- all I have to say is oh my gosh. How many of these things did I eat growing up!?! McNuggets were my favorite thing to eat at McDonalds when I was younger!

These two paragraphs are taken directly from The Omnivore’s Dilemma (by Michael Pollen):

“The ingredients listed in the flyer suggest a lot of thought goes into a nugget, that and a lot of corn. Of the thirty-eight ingredients it takes to make a McNugget, I counted thirteen that can be derived from corn: the corn-fed chicken itself; modified cornstarch (to bind the pulverized chicken meat); mono-, tri-, and diglycerides (emulsifiers, which keep the fats and water from separating); dextrose; lecithin (another emulsifier); chicken broth (to restore some of the flavor that processing leeches out); yellow corn flour and more modified cornstarch (for the batter); cornstarch (a filler); vegetable shortening; partially hydrogenated corn oil; and citric acid as a preservative. A couple of other plants take part in the nugget: There's some wheat in the batter, and on any given day the hydrogenated oil could come from soybeans, canola, or cotton rather than corn, depending on the market price and availability.

According to the handout, McNuggets also contain several completely synthetic ingredients, quasiedible substances that ultimately come not from a corn or soybean field but form a petroleum refinery or chemical plant. These chemicals are what make modern processed food possible, by keeping the organic materials in them from going bad or looking strange after months in the freezer or on the road. Listed first are the "leavening agents": sodium aluminum phosphate, mono-calcium phosphate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, and calcium lactate. These are antioxidants added to keep the various animal and vegetable fats involved in a nugget from turning rancid. Then there are "anti-foaming agents" like dimethylpolysiloxene, added to the cooking oil to keep the starches from binding to air molecules, so as to produce foam during the fry. The problem is evidently grave enough to warrant adding a toxic chemical to the food: According to the Handbook of Food Additives, dimethylpolysiloxene is a suspected carcinogen and an established mutagen, tumorigen, and reproductive effector; it's also flammable. But perhaps the most alarming ingredient in a Chicken McNugget is tertiary butylhydroquinone, or TBHQ, an antioxidant derived from petroleum that is either sprayed directly on the nugget or the inside of the box it comes in to "help preserve freshness." According to A Consumer's Dictionary of Food Additives, TBHQ is a form of butane (i.e. lighter fluid) the FDA allows processors to use sparingly in our food: It can comprise no more than 0.02 percent of the oil in a nugget. Which is probably just as well, considering that ingesting a single gram of TBHQ can cause "nausea, vomiting, ringing in the ears, delirium, a sense of suffocation, and collapse." Ingesting five grams of TBHQ can kill.”

Anyone want Chicken McNuggets now?

(Our New) HOME SWEET HOME!!!

We have some pretty nice neighbors I hear.....

I Want to go to Graceland

My step-dad and mom are going to Graceland today in celebration of her 62nd birthday. I RRREEAAALLLLLYYYY want to be there right now with them, road-tripping to Memphis and cruising down Elvis Presley Boulevard. After Graceland, they are going to Tupelo, MS to see Elvis' birthplace. Lucky them!

Graceland is awesome. The last time I made my pilgrimage was in 1999, after Elvis' aunt Delta died and the curators of Graceland decided to show the kitchen on the tour of his house. The tickets to see the mansion, airplanes (2 of them), and the "Sincerely, Elvis" museum cost $18 back then. Probably more now. I really want to go. Did I say that already?

Ok, ok. You can make fun of me now.