LIFE

I am a mom. You may not be able to see my baby, but he/she is about 14 weeks, 3 days old and just learned how to grimace, frown, squint, and pee. My baby was never merely a "bunch of cells", or simply a "product of conception". My baby was a miracle.

We had been trying to get pregnant since the day I got off the pill- October 9, 2006. After 4.5 agonizingly nightmarish years and a lifetime of pain and tears, Randy and I learned on December 17, 2010 that we were parents to a baby that most of the world wouldn't consider anything other than the "bunch of cells" or "products of conception" that I mentioned above. It was and is so much more to me- to us. It IS A MIRACLE.

I am not afraid to admit that I find inspiration in the saddest moments of life. The "never give up" attitude was introduced to at me at the tender age of 13 when my dad was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer. However, I think that my "never give up" attitude came through genetics- I have always been as stubborn as my father, and if I set my mind to something and make a goal, I try and try again until that goal is completed or another goal has taken over. God has had to show me MANY times that the goals I have had in mind were not His goals, and it's been a very painful lesson (one that I learned the past 4+ years all over again). But I digress.... I found inspiration in my dad's death when I was two months shy of my 16th birthday- I NEVER wanted his death to be in vain. I decided then that some kind of good and glory to God would come out of it.

Fast forward to 2006- I graduated 2 colleges, married the Christian man of my dreams- and got my first nursing job on an oncology floor. I found/find inspiration in the daily struggles I see at work, and am blessed by all the patients I come into contact with (some more than others- ha!) but I feel like, in a way, my dad's death has been turned into something GOOD and of GOD. Inspiration through sadness, once again.

When I started realizing that I had a fertility problem, all I could think was "God-why this? Why can't I just have this one thing?" At first, I was trusting and believing that God would make this happen for us. I ignored people who meant well but would tell me "just relax" or "stop trying and it'll happen". Then as the pregnancy test would be negative and I would see failure come out of me into a toilet month after month, I began to pull away from God and I just got angry. Disappointed. I stopped trying alright, but it wasn't to have kids. I stopped trying to have a relationship with God.

Many cycles of Clomid, insemination, shots, and ultrasounds later, and we were still unsuccessful. October 13, 2010 found me on a operating room table with a scope and tools inside me, trying to locate the "problem" of my infertility. Eureka! A little endometriosis shaved off, and a nice 2 week long recovery, and my doctor told me she'd like to do one more cycle of Clomid and insemination in a "last ditch effort" before going on to the most extreme fertility treatment- IVF.

It was then when I started really praying again. Opened a line of communication between myself and God. He never left me or stopped trying to get a hold of me, I was just ignoring his calls. I decided to read my Bible again, and after meeting with my spiritual guidance counselor (ha ha - I'm sure my good friend Suzie would love her new title!!), I opened my Bible and out fell a bulletin of a sermon I had taken notes on back in 2001. In my OWN WRITING- at the top- was "God's timing is ALWAYS perfect!!!" and underneath it "Romans 12:12". I looked up the verse through tears- and excitement because WOW! God used ME to talk to MYSELF after 9 years!!! Romans 12:12 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer". Ok, God had my attention. Which gets Satan's attention too.

The very next time I drove to work that same week, I was listening to some crap hip-hop music and I felt God say to me "Change the station". I did, to Christian music. Right away I felt attacked- like all these thoughts were going through my head about how I'm not good enough to be a mom, and it'd be better for my inlaws if I weren't alive because at least Randy could give them grandkids with someone else" etc... Horrible things. I loudly rebuked Satan in my car and the thoughts and feelings of desparation left- and I went on driving to work listening to my Christian music, as I have every day since then. It has truly made a difference in my mood going into working the difficult job I do- and I am full of God's peace at the start of my shift!

One more attempt at fertility treatments before moving on to the "Biggie" (a.k.a. In vitro fertilization)- was on Dec 1st and 2nd 2010. Prior to and during the insem I was completely relaxed, I had people praying for me, and I really felt like it was in God's hands. He's never left me. I declined a vaccination the week after, telling the employee health nurse to stop- moments before she put the needle in my arm- because I could be pregnant. I was confident in my words. My beloved husband took me out for all you can eat sushi the week of our final insemination- and I thought "This hopefully will be the last time I will eat sushi for 9 months"! It was!

December 17, 2010 I found out we were pregnant on the floor of our bedroom with my beloved by my side. There weren't enough tears of joy as we called everyone we knew to tell them the miraculous news. Hope was/is ALIVE! Our ultrasounds have been great, I graduated from my fertility doctor about 8 weeks along since I was doing so well. My OB doc is awesome and is part of the family of doctors I loved and worked with down at my first job in LA at Cedars Sinai. I haven't had any morning sickness (other than my tummy not feeling so great after eating Lean Cuisines!). No pukage! Everything's great.

I went shopping for maternity clothes 2 weekends ago and spent $207. I am already having to wear the pants and a couple of shirts. :-) My Indiana baby shower planning is already under way, and I did a lot of cleaning of closets these past two days- my first "nesting" experience, perhaps?

I will NEVER forget my experience of infertility. The want- the need- the desire- the feelings of failure- the doubt-the tears- the hope that got destroyed month after month. I do and will find inspiration in the sadness I experienced. Some people have said "Wasn't it all worth it?" Um...no. In my opinion, that's like saying to a widow who's getting remarried "wasn't it worth your first husband dying so that you could meet and marry this new guy?". NO! It doesn't make it worth it, but let me tell ya: it makes you realize just how special life is. I sure do know how to count my blessings and to thank God properly for the LIFE and those in my life He has given me. I don't deserve all the love- who does? But God didn't give up on me, even when I tried to give up on him.

I am now going to go to the bathroom, knowing it will be the first of many trips to that room I will make tonight, lay down in bed next to my beloved, tell my baby how much he/she is loved, turn onto my side, and thank God before I go to sleep for my LIFE.

I am alive

There. That's all you get for the time being.
Life is busy. I got sick of blogging for awhile.

Support the 5 Day Weekend!

CLICK HERE TO SEE WHAT IT'S ABOUT AND SIGN THE PETITION!!!!

Yes, it may prove to be useless, but MAYBE some day the average American will have to work as few of days as our Congressional counterparts do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY POOKIE!

I love you Randy! Happy 30th Birthday!

Jacquie and Randy Sr- thanks for giving birth to this wonderful guy. xoxo

Food For Thought

I came across this article on McDonalds- all I have to say is oh my gosh. How many of these things did I eat growing up!?! McNuggets were my favorite thing to eat at McDonalds when I was younger!

These two paragraphs are taken directly from The Omnivore’s Dilemma (by Michael Pollen):

“The ingredients listed in the flyer suggest a lot of thought goes into a nugget, that and a lot of corn. Of the thirty-eight ingredients it takes to make a McNugget, I counted thirteen that can be derived from corn: the corn-fed chicken itself; modified cornstarch (to bind the pulverized chicken meat); mono-, tri-, and diglycerides (emulsifiers, which keep the fats and water from separating); dextrose; lecithin (another emulsifier); chicken broth (to restore some of the flavor that processing leeches out); yellow corn flour and more modified cornstarch (for the batter); cornstarch (a filler); vegetable shortening; partially hydrogenated corn oil; and citric acid as a preservative. A couple of other plants take part in the nugget: There's some wheat in the batter, and on any given day the hydrogenated oil could come from soybeans, canola, or cotton rather than corn, depending on the market price and availability.

According to the handout, McNuggets also contain several completely synthetic ingredients, quasiedible substances that ultimately come not from a corn or soybean field but form a petroleum refinery or chemical plant. These chemicals are what make modern processed food possible, by keeping the organic materials in them from going bad or looking strange after months in the freezer or on the road. Listed first are the "leavening agents": sodium aluminum phosphate, mono-calcium phosphate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, and calcium lactate. These are antioxidants added to keep the various animal and vegetable fats involved in a nugget from turning rancid. Then there are "anti-foaming agents" like dimethylpolysiloxene, added to the cooking oil to keep the starches from binding to air molecules, so as to produce foam during the fry. The problem is evidently grave enough to warrant adding a toxic chemical to the food: According to the Handbook of Food Additives, dimethylpolysiloxene is a suspected carcinogen and an established mutagen, tumorigen, and reproductive effector; it's also flammable. But perhaps the most alarming ingredient in a Chicken McNugget is tertiary butylhydroquinone, or TBHQ, an antioxidant derived from petroleum that is either sprayed directly on the nugget or the inside of the box it comes in to "help preserve freshness." According to A Consumer's Dictionary of Food Additives, TBHQ is a form of butane (i.e. lighter fluid) the FDA allows processors to use sparingly in our food: It can comprise no more than 0.02 percent of the oil in a nugget. Which is probably just as well, considering that ingesting a single gram of TBHQ can cause "nausea, vomiting, ringing in the ears, delirium, a sense of suffocation, and collapse." Ingesting five grams of TBHQ can kill.”

Anyone want Chicken McNuggets now?

(Our New) HOME SWEET HOME!!!

We have some pretty nice neighbors I hear.....

I Want to go to Graceland

My step-dad and mom are going to Graceland today in celebration of her 62nd birthday. I RRREEAAALLLLLYYYY want to be there right now with them, road-tripping to Memphis and cruising down Elvis Presley Boulevard. After Graceland, they are going to Tupelo, MS to see Elvis' birthplace. Lucky them!

Graceland is awesome. The last time I made my pilgrimage was in 1999, after Elvis' aunt Delta died and the curators of Graceland decided to show the kitchen on the tour of his house. The tickets to see the mansion, airplanes (2 of them), and the "Sincerely, Elvis" museum cost $18 back then. Probably more now. I really want to go. Did I say that already?

Ok, ok. You can make fun of me now.

My Backpacker

He went, he saw, he conquered. He says he had a good time.

Check out this cute kid!!!

Soul Man
Lonely (longer but definitely worth watching!)

Randy's already told me that I can't force our kids to be this cute. I know, I just hope to teach our kids Elvis' greatest hits so that they can entertain me while driving around in the car. That's all.

New Pictures!

Here are our newest pictures of mine and Randy's S.A.W. Day and of our day in the snow yesterday. We had so much fun! Enjoy!

Go Colts!

Interesting....

You know how tigers are becoming extinct creatures, right? Well, sounds like some scientists are doing something about it- IVF. That's right, in-vitro fertilization.

Zoologists are taking a tiger's egg, another's sperm, fertilizing them in a petri dish, and implanting them in a female LION. Lions do well with pregnancy and giving birth in captivity, while Tigers don't. Turns out- it's working- Lions in captivity are now giving birth to Tigers and are raising them as their own (despite the stripes and different colors). The next time you go to the zoo, you may see a lion carrying around her little tiger cubs- weird!

Randy brought up a good point though. Tigers are pretty much solitary animals and lions are pack animals- so won't that totally change how tigers are? Maybe, but I guess at least they can save a species that way.

Bible Verse of the Day???????

Ok- so I have my Google homepage customized with a bunch of "stuff"- things you can add to your homepage, such as the local weather, news, world webcams, spanish word of the day, things that happened this day in history, etc.... ya know, stuff like that.

Here is the official Bible verse of the day sponsored by isearchbible.com:

the son of Mahli, the son of Mushi, the son of Merari, the son of Levi.
1 Chronicles 6:47

Wow. That's it. That's all you get from the Good Book today.

The only cool thing is that my nephew's name (Levi) is in the verse.

Wish I'd thought of this answer in physics class!!!

GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!!!!?????

It's our 5th annual (drum roll please.....)

S.A.W. DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Randy. With all that I am. Life has never been as good as it's been these last 4 years. Except for Jun dying, that part sucked, but we have overcome a lot and have learned to love and be loved. I am so happy! Hope you are too, Pookie Roo.

XOXO

Useless Facts of the Day

-A whale's penis is called a dork.
-Because of the rotation of the earth, an object can be thrown farther if it is thrown west.
-The average person spends 6 months of their life sitting at red lights.
-In 1912 a law passed in Nebraska where drivers in the country at night were required to stop every 150 yards, send up a skyrocket, wait eight minutes for the road to clear before proceeding cautiously, all the while blowing their horn and shooting off flares.
-More Monopoly money is printed in a year, than real money throughout the world.
-Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920's.
-One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet.
-Crocodiles and alligators are surprisingly fast on land. Although they are rapid, they are not agile. So, if being chased by one, run in a zigzag line to lose him or her.
-Seattle’s Fremont Bridge rises up and down more than any drawbridge in the world.
-Right-handed people live, on average; nine years longer than left handed people.
-Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
-In the United States, a pound of potato chips costs two hundred times more than a pound of potatoes.
-A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel.
-A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva. For example, if a strong-tasting substance like salt is placed on a dry tongue, the taste buds will not be able to taste it. As soon as a drop of saliva is added and the salt is dissolved, however, a definite taste sensation results. This is true for all foods.
-Nearly 80% of all animals on earth have six legs.
-In the marriage ceremony of the ancient Inca Indians of Peru, the couple was considered officially wed when they took off their sandals and handed them to each other.
-Ninety percent of all species that have become extinct have been birds.
-There is approximately one chicken for every human being in the world.
-Most collect calls are made on father's day.
-The first automobile race ever seen in the United States was held in Chicago in 1895. The track ran from Chicago to Evanston, Illinois. The winner was J. Frank Duryea, whose average speed was 71/2 miles per hour.

Tagged!!! (Thanks Martha)

A- Available or married? Married

B- Best Friend? Randy and "the Kristens" (Cornwell and Alderson)

C- Cake or Pie? Cake with lots of icing!

D- Drink of Choice? Ice cold chocolate milk

E- Essential Item? Soap

F- Favorite Color? Black or red (I can't decide!)

G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms- they last longer!

H- Hometown? Ellettsville, IN

I- Indulgence? Rocky Road ice cream

J- January or February? January- Randy and I celebrate S.A.W. day!

K- Kids & names? No kids yet. Names picked out: Zyre Jun, Elexis Rain, & Aven Knight

L- Life is incomplete without? Christ's love being expressed through us

M- Marriage Date? March 20, 2004

N- Number of Siblings? 3 sisters

O- Oranges or apples? Apples (you can dip them in caramel or have 'em plain!)

P- Phobias/Fears? Spiders, any kind of bugs (except the kind I drive)

Q- Favorite Quote? "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams,
and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." by Thoreau

R- Reason to Smile? When Randy makes it home safely when he's been gone

S- Season? Winter- I love CHRISTMAS!!!!

T- Tag three people! Kristen/Nate, Lisa S, Melanie

U- Unknown fact about me: I keep a book with all my patient's names (dead and alive) in it who have made me become a better nurse

V- Vegetable you hate? Cauliflower (unless it has that good cheese sauce on it that mom used to make)

W- Worst habit? biting my nails

Y- Your favorite food? Ice cream, crab legs, tootsie rolls

Z- Zodiac? Cancer

Something funny for today

I laughed so hard!

CHRISTMAS IN INDIANA

Christmas this year was bittersweet for my family. We are all missing my grandpa and feeling his absence. On the other hand, I got to spend some good quality time with a couple of friends, as well as my family on Christmas day. We had a great time hanging out, playing games, and just being with each other. Mom made a fantastic Christmas dinner too. Christmas night it began to snow! It was so peaceful...watching the cold white stuff cover everything. I had hoped for a white Xmas, and it happened!
We thought we were flying back on Tuesday afternoon, but our airplane had some kind of mechanical problem. So our flight was canceled and Randy and I ended up staying all night in Indianapolis in a hotel the airline chose. We went downtown Indy, ate dessert and had drinks in a rotating restaurant in one of the hotel high rises. Talk about romantic! The next morning, we flew out of Indy at 6 am (3 am California time), had a layover in Atlanta GA, then in Austin TX, and FINALLY we made it into LA at 1:30pm Wednesday. I ended up coming down with the same cold Randy had for the past week, so I called into work sick on Wednesday night and we both fell asleep by 8 pm. Whew! What a Christmas vacation! Click on the pic above to see more!

Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas!

To my dear family and friends:

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Since I have to work most of this week before we take off to Indiana on Friday, I just wanted to spread some cheer. Click on the above pic for our California Christmas pictures. Look for Indiana Christmas pics after we return!

Hope you have a wonderful, safe, and blessed Christmas!

Check these out!

Follow the links to new pics of our sleepover with Levi and Conrad, Thanksgiving celebration, or Randy's last softball game of the season.

Can I just say how excited I am that the Christmas season is FINALLY here?!?!?!
Fa la la la la, la la la la!