Sunday, September 25, 2005

Death

I came to the realization tonight that I am afraid of death. Not my death, but of those nearest and dearest to me. As Randy was starting his car, ready to drive back down to training in LA, I told him "Please don't die". I truthfully, wholeheartedly meant it and began to cry as I said it. Now before you all think I'm some kind of loon, hear me out. I'm not afraid of my death (except I do have 2 requests: I don't want to feel it and I don't want to be freaked out before it happens *plane crash*) because I know what awaits me. I've "helped" some of my patients die peacefully. Usually, though, when I'm saying good bye to someone who is leaving me or driving off, I am so scared that it will be the last time I see him or her again. I've tried to get past this. I can't live in fear of losing my loved ones. I pray that God takes this fear away from me. Like I said, I'm not afraid to die, and I have it in my heart to care for those who are dying. It's just this sudden death thing I'm not so good at.

Jun. This fear all started with his death.

3 comments:

jacquie said...

What you have discovered in yourself which you think is abnormal is actually something that is very common to man. You're not "off". We all want to hold on to those who are near and dear to us. You have felt the sting of losing ones you love and you know it hurts, and of course, you don't want to go there again. None of us do. I don't think that makes you a loon. I think one of the ways to handle this fear constructively is to make the most of the times we do have and then when we are apart, there is nothing left to do but hang on to the hand of God and trust that He will take us through anything. In your profession, you will see alot of departure. I pray that God will give you the strength to keep your positive, optimistic attitude and never loose heart!

Martha said...

One of the best things someone ever told me to do, especially whe confronting fears was to find scriptures that showed those fears were ungodly beliefs and to post them and read them daily. Like the one, "God didn't give us a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind." I will pray that for you daily, too. I am with you though. I feel that strongest when my kids are not with me. Like I'm gonna get "the" call. Damn satan!

Crazysox said...

I get so mad at Dan when he is running late and doesn't call. I scared of "the call" too...
Thanks for the advice Martha, that is good.